xkatsunex

...
I'm not...
a good person.
i'm emotional and cold.
not that those two words seem like they should be used
together. i didn't use to be this way.
but i'm use to being lied to. and i'm use to being used.
that makes anyone become detached, cold.
so yes, i'm not nice, and yes, i'm mean.
and i probably hate myself to. i just wish i knew people
who didn't do that to me. and im not saying anyone i know
is doing it now, i just...

never mind. i have never been able to voice this.
i;m gonna go downstairs and stop being a baby

Here is an exert from my book idea i am pitching to
my publisher. let me know what you think!

No title yet:


All of my life I have dreamed of power, knowing full well that were I to have it I would fall. For of course I am only human, and humans are weak. I look in the mirror knowing the face in front of me will change in the days to come, I look up from my sink knowing that these eyes of mine will die, their innocence crushed, their luminance diminished.
Or rather reinterpreted.
Or perhaps re-directed.
We are only as much as our perceptions allow us to be. So what happens when one among us becomes more than their own awareness? What happens when you become something more than human?
Do you remain your self?
Do you fall?
The world we are in now shows us these beings in comics, in movies. They are good or bad, they are indifferent or they are controlling, intruding. But can something that is not us, be like us? Would their minds work the way ours do when it comes to “power”? Do they perceive the way we do?
How could our definition of out of control be at one with something cosmic?
How could our word cosmic truly define an experience we’ve never felt?
This story is my own. Think what you will of my actions and my decisions, I do not believe a human could really ever understand it. I know that while I was myself I did not. This is my last chance to share the moments no other could endure or experience as I sit here and wait to die.
Those things before us all that inhibit us and tell us what is right and wrong no longer function at the scale I am in, because when one can do anything, nothing can tell them no.
And so they fall.
And so I wait for this last remnant of myself to fade, the last visage of humanity linking me to these words. For in the days to come it will diminish, and these words will no longer be my own.
I will fall, if I have not already given in.

" UNDEAD" journal? Lol.

So the shot has finally been taken.

At least in christines case. It looks like i was finally heard by her, after maybe 4 years of this she finally stopped pretending i wasn't saying anything. ITs a nice change. free air ya know?
And maybe i'm an asshole, maybe i'm mean, but you know what? I don't care.
after all this time with her drama and her self absorption its nice to sit back and be at peace.
I'm so mello now that its like a nice freedom, she was all about the drama and the fire and i never wanted that.
don't do things you wont enjoy, and life is about enjoying it-isn't it?
So yes, our friendship is over, and yes she finally got it through her thick " the-world-revolves-around-me" head, but i'm happy. Truly happy. I have new friends, albeit most of them are also Becky's friends but its fun, they are fun. and i have two guys who truly care for me, so my life is in such a great place now. i have people who understand me, who connect with me and can see things through my eyes.
I've found my place, and i'm going some where.
I'm free from the leg shackle that was our friendship.
and its a great place to be.

So beck has been talking about hiking non stop, and to be honest i am dying to go on a hike.
So tomorrow, with or without others, i will be going on one.
also my day yesterday was outstanding, it was so fun sitting in the woods
listening to rob play Becky's keyboard. it was outstanding and i was so happy to be apart of it.
and i hope to do so again.
in fact that maybe why i want to go on a hike so bad, just be in nature.
yesterday made me see the two worlds we live in, the cold reality of our lives,
how dark our holes we seal ourselves in are, and how bright and magnificent nature is.
I didn't want to go back in yesterday, i remember hanging on the verge of the door way, staring in to the darkness of my home and feeling like it was a horrible cage, one i wasn't even a little interested in being in.
and i cried. it was odd but it was my feeling. it was so hard to leave, so hard.
and being there in the sunlight gazing in to the golds of fall was marvelous, the light shown through the leaves and
branches and made it seem magical, i felt like i was in a cathedral built out of just standing trees, and two trees swirled together, light shinning through their arch giving it a holy glow.
the smells and sounds were soothing and lush. it was great.
it was great: )

isn't amazing how i can come off super hard
but at the same time people completely ignore what
i tell them? I feel like i have Told stine we are not friends like
a hundred times and she isn't listening to me.
again she asked to hang,
" want to get dinner?"
" We aren't friends christine, why on earth would i go?"
" come on beth."
blah blah blah. more happens.
ending with me saying
" your offer is denied. once again let me tell you, i'm not your friend."
perhaps i'll be heard, i don't think i will though.

If it is at all possible i am becoming more and more
detached with all of this. I mean i know i look happier, and i am happier.
And kinder... But what does that say about the world? The more i grow up the more i can see how easily people fall in with over abundance. With booze and weed, with coke and acid. I can see it, and i understand it. I know why they do it, what they want from it. I can analyze it and believe in it. And i gotta say that i never thought i would be apart of that world. But the more i look around me i see i am drawn to these people. They are the ones i date, the ones i hang with, create with. As an artist is it silly that i know these things? Is it stereotypical? Of COURSE an artist would have an understanding of alcohol abuse and drug abuse. Addictions.
I can see in myself the same feelings and thoughts that an alcoholic and a druggie have, and i am slipping more and more into that world all the time. And i don't regret it. If anything it is making me change. Emotionally i am different, politically i am different. Socially i am very different. I can see how addicted i am to constant stimulation and change just by looking back on my own past. every year, every month something about me changes. I am so full of impulse, so in the moment. So drawn to a calming stasis.
I am an addict.
And i'm not an addict at all.

Its little drops of paint
Little flakes of gold
raining on the canvas
trying to be bold

Smiling in life
holding out the door
smashing out the lights
and crying on the floor

one moment full of sunshine
the next a desert scape
a friend lost in the twilight
to a cities magistrate

When will it be rid of
those shenanigans in the dark
when will they all grow up
stop shooting at their hearts

One more little candle dwindles
flutters and dies
when will someone notice
and settle these ties

So many lost each moment
so many shadows break
crash upon the sidewalk
open anothers gate

Another opening
one more year to go
some one elses friend
will be lying on the floor.

I didn;t realize how out of sorts ive been until today.
Brie's death did more to me than i realized.
I lost touch for a week and thought this week was last week
and missed the beging week of a class (2 days thus failing the class)
i had to withdraw from it and re-registar for it next month, so as not to get that F.
I've been lying to myself about it, and for the first time i cried for her.
Brie was shot in Richmond, and died two days later in the hospital, we went through AFO
together, went to Matts class together, she introduced me to Kevin, she was a great
Fashion designer, and had a rare gift for shooter games. I wanted to believe that
I wasn;t that hurt by it, the truth was had i not been in class with 20 people staring at me
and my reaction when Matt told me a Good friend of mine was shot and killed... I would have cried.
But i didn't, and i pretended not to care.
But the truth reveals itself, and i lost a week of my life to grief.
Brie you were a Great friend and an amazing person, and i love you.
I would go to your funeral but...I can't stand them. Good bye.

so fuckin matt told everyone i didn't know thier names!
eric was hurt so was molly. i'm a horrible person.
i geuss if i don't bother to learn thier names then
i don't care about them or what they do
they can't hurt me

So theres this guy.
there is always a guy.
any way- he wants to date me...and i have made out with him a couple times.
i've been to his place, played 360 with him, smoked, and done art, he even played me a song.
so he is a gamer an artist and a musician- so why did i say no?
the last guy i dated was a jerk. Slept with me then ran off and cheated on me- so i don't know.
" Girlfriend" is a term i want to avoid now. it puts you out there to be hurt because no one is trust worthy. If you sleep with some one and your not dating and they cheat or mess with someone else it doesn't matter because you have no claim on them, and they none on you. you can enjoy them and yet be far enough away to avoid attachment and pain.
so no.
i don't want to date.

I don't ever want to date again.

I remember when i felt it
the difference in your face
i remember when it mattered
your smile and embrace

But something inside me altered
twisted and died
no longer am i bleeding
my heart no longer cries

I'm looking through the window
my memories trickle down
The pane of the glass is broken
they twist and fall as a shroud

Those aren't my memories in my eyes
they hold no weight or grain
serving nothing but air space
they fall as steady rain

emotionally distant
detached and aired as a cloud
im always smiling
no more frowns

I argue and prattle
live life and move on
am in a constant state of wonder
as to what is going on

my dreams are filled with nightmares
the demons daylight hides
my mind is fracturing outwards
as my reality collides

Nothing matters now
nothing holds me down
i'm free as bitter wind
that is till sun sets down

Ugh.
This thing with Christine wont just die.
It feels like one of those long drawn out endings
where you don;t even really LIKE the other person anymore
but for some reason you still hang out with them
Like your at the point where every thing they do reminds you
of all their flaws. And you know the other person well enough to see
through all their " Noble" intentions. Their reconciliation attempts.
I just want it to end. Its like with Kohl's. Where i told them 3 times i quit and they
kept scheduling me, well i keep telling her our friendship is fucked and
its bouncing off her ear drum.
tonight i think she FINALLY realized how fucked up it all is.
I hate to say it, but i am becoming unattached to my life. It took becky to make me
realize it, and Christine (suprising that she made me realize this) made me see
how closed off i am.
I am so open and friendly, i make tons of friends in Richmond, i go
to parties there is a dude who wants to date me.... but i don't really connect with it.
I stand back and look on it as if its a dream. The Crash doesn't feel like it really happened at all,
I'm completely disconected from it. and i also sort of... silence myself.
When i was at stines b-day i... didn't want to be there. I wanted to smoke and leave. But i stayed
because Stine wanted me to, but i didn't interact with anyone. And when i got home...i had almost
forgotten i had even gone.
I can't seem to connect my own life with myself. It doesn't even feel like those are MY friends...
Its like they are someone elses. Hell, i can't even bring myself to bother to learn this dudes name
who is crushing on me. I take sleeping pills to force myself into unconciousness, and i have horrific nightmares.
and they are always me gaining powers of some nature...and becoming horribly evil. and i know i would.
and i know i wouldn't care. as unthinkingly as you flip a lightswitch i would Kill becky in my dreams. no backward glance
no phrase or anything significant. flick of the wrist she's dead.
and yet... i don't really feel that. I'm becoming emotionally stagnant. I don't even really hate anymore.
I'm becoming something i don't really understand. I suppose one of the reasons i don't talk about
my life is i look at it and see nothing significant, nothing at all. nothing monumental or worth mentioning-
but it might just be because i forget it. I forget to bring up that I'm in a Gallery, That I have a boyfriend, That i made it into the hardest major to get into at VCU during the hardest semseter in the schools history. That I am bring asked to do a double major. I know all of this, and i can't feel accomplised. I'm a published author but i don't tell anyone about it. No one knows really, because it feels like someone else did it. and now half the time i am somewhere
I look up and wonder why i am there- why did i come? - how long have i been there? - who did i come with?
This post is the most i've ever spoken on the matter. And by tomarrow i won't feel its significance anymore and it wont bother me. hell, give me five min of closed comp and its gone.
Apparently i told stine 2 weeks ago we weren't friends, she asked about it and i just blew her off, having forgotten the whole thing
it being about as significant as stepping on a rock.
and that shouldn't be. But it was.

I think i need a shrink

A memory is transparent
a thoughtless glide of silk
cut in many splinters
shattered at its hilt

all around is shadow
it tumbles in my flesh
in distant is the future
unspoiled it is fresh

my past is a dream
one i can barely see
its full of happy memories
full of nightmares and fiends

i stand inside the door way
looking in and out
how did i come to be here
why am i filled with doubt

inside it feels so lost
the cold wind bellowing
i can't seem to look up
the ice holds me still

inside the prison i see them
those whose hands rest warm
outside the frozen tundra
in love safe not torn

inside its cold and brittle
smoke waffs and mirrors flash
reminders of the distance
reminders of the past

cracks in it crinkle
echo slow across its face
breaking though their features
tearing their smiles from their place

reminders are the features
memories of the breaks
i look about in horror
remembering the cracks

the prison is an ice wall
covering me in frost
about i look at others
with emotional cracks in place.

I just got the coolist e-mail ever!
my fav artist- Yumiko Kayukawa-
does CAR ART!
Modular car kits for sale!
There is this one hood one...
omg i want it. they had ones for the doors and some just for
side pics.
its bitchin.
http://www.infectious.com/art/YumikoKayukawa/yumis-girls/46

when I was young I
had a garden...

she hit me
and he told
me she
loved me...

I loved my roses
so I crushed them.

so okay.
its 32 bags of mulch and 4 work days later and i have
finally finished working on my parents garden.
i went to freakin lowes so much that the garden center people know my name.

seriously
if my parents do not pay me today i am never doing any thing for them again
mostly cause i need to pay for my car... but still.
150$ origionally i wanted 200 but i went down because dad is a bitch.
so 150.
today.
or i'm a be mad.

well....
before saturday so i can get it into my account to pay the bill.

to hang or not to hang
that is the question


thats always the question. at least for me. and 9 out of ten i wont go.
but i don't really know why.
half the time i feel odd, like i know something without knowing it.
the other half i lie. because i know some one i do not like is there.

but that 50% that confuses me? it worries me
when at a party i am not shy, i laugh and hang and drink...
so what causes it?
what makes me say "no"?
its some piece of me, the same part that is claustrophobic, sarcastic, and skeptical.
its the part of me that ends relationships.
its the part of me that is the focus of every bad thing that ever happened to.
its the "wound"

i see other people, and a fourth of the time its right there. making me second guess
making me say no...
making me hate or distrust. but isn't made to protect you?
when you incounter that isn't it because it knows that scenario hurt you before?
so do you go against it?
the very thing you built to protect yourself?

god, I am such a loser.
I cried over him last night.
i need to grow up